Evan: 

What’s working: I really like your first paragraph. I think it’s a great way to hook someone into the story as well as the headline—I like how your headline is short but attention grabbing. All of your paragraphs are very digestible, great length, I would not suggest changing them. The story itself I think flows very smoothly. You did a good job at making a sequenced story. Another thing that was great to add to your story was getting a quote in the orbit of your subject, that makes it stronger by getting someone else’s perspective on your subject. I appreciate the fourth paragraph, specifically when you tell readers he is a senior at UNE but only a sophomore on the field then go into explaining his past injuries and how he has since worked to get better. 

Suggestions: The first thing I’d like to point out is that even though you state your Mike’s full name in the headline, I think you should use it once more before switching into using only his last. Especially because the headline uses his full, in the second paragraph you use his last, then a couple paragraphs later you use his full again. I just think it makes more sense that way. Another suggestion I have is to give George Villis a bit more of an introduction before going into his quote. This is just how I feel as the reader but I’d love to hear from the coach to get an idea of his perspective when Mike was going through a rough time with his injuries and the way he recovered from them. 

Jimmy: 

What’s working: You have very strong quotes that draw the reader into the story. I think you also do good at telling her story before and after the quotes. By this I mean the way you write leading up to the quotes and what you say after them. You have an incredibly strong ending that wraps up the story nicely, leaving readers with an amazing impression of who this person is. You also seem to meet the requirements of the sequence of the story itself too which is good. 

Suggestions: Starting off, get rid of the “profile on” part in your headline, that isn’t really necessary to add, your readers will come to understand it is a profile based off the story. The very first sentence of the introduction is a bit wordy, it feels kind of like a run-on sentence—you can definitely sand that down. Very minor but in the first quote I think you meant to say “sports” not “sport”. The flow of the story is a little wonky—it jumps from a decent sized paragraph to a one sentence paragraph throughout the whole thing.